michellesings

its our time

2011-12-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a couple months ago and decided that it would be a waste to not share it. Enjoy!

There are not words to explain the process of healing from the loss of a loved one. But I find myself looking back on all the time it has taken for the healing I have so far. Time is the amazing healer of all things. Time is not what you would chose for a healing process. You want it to be done, you want everything to be okay again. But alas time. And then some more time and then you wonder if there is something really wrong with you that its taking so much time. Why? Why does it take so long, why does your heart only respond to time and not the books, the questions, the love, the prayers? I have been thinking a lot about this lately. Should I speed this up somehow? Take a class, read a book, write a song, talk it out. But somehow the healing is happening, slowly, on its own, without prompting. Its kind of beautiful to watch, especially when it is someone else’s life and loss. But this time it was mine. My life. My loss. My time. Uncontrollable fixer of all things. Time.

I know its crazy that I keep comparing my own healing to the healing my toe has gone through these past few months. But its so real to me! My toenail has grown in half-way and its got 3 more months-ish to go. It is slowly but daily it is getting better. To the naked eye nothing seems to be happening but it I pay attention it has definitely healed. In its own time it will be completely better. Not perfect, but much better! Just like my heart. Over this time my heart has gotten much better, not perfect, different forever; but much better!

But I believe this is how He does things. I have a good Father and he takes the time I give Him and he heals me. Its his way, his process, His plan and I trust that! I haven't been able to do anything else. And I know its good! I know its Him and his plan and his process. I believe that and I know "its our time." Our time to see something beautiful to grow from this ash heap and I am so excited to see what this time will bring in my life. I am blown away by the plans He has for me! I am overwhelmed by this Time, our time right now.

Ecclesiastes 3

¹ To everything there is a season,

      A time for every purpose under heaven:
       ² A time to be born,
And a time to die;
      A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
       ³ A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
      A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
       ⁴ A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
      A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
       ⁵ A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
      A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
       ⁶ A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
      A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
       ⁷ A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
      A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
       ⁸ A time to love,
And a time to hate;
      A time of war,
And a time of peace.

dare to believe

2011-10-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to something hard for me to share!

I have been praying for God to give me a way to get my teeth fixed and its finally happening!!

Early this summer, I called the UMKC School of Dentistry and I was put on a waiting list to be a patient. In August, I finally got the chance for an appointment. Usually it takes another 3-4 weeks to be matched up with a student dentist even after your first appointment. But within 20 minutes of being there I was matched up with Stefanie, my student dentist and I just knew that my life would never be the same! She has cheered me on and patiently taught me everything I have been waiting for years to understand. It was like I was going to school alongside her.

Stefanie, my student dentist at UMKC.

The first few procedures were mainly for the pain I was currently in but ultimately I wanted to solve the problem of the gaps in my mouth. Unfortunately the school decided my teeth had more needs than Stefanie had time in school, but we both knew the ball was rolling and I should press on. She referred me to an amazing private dentist who she worked with as a dental assistant before coming to UMKC. I was determined to not give up!

In 2007 I had surgeries to take out many teeth that had rotted.

I made an appointment and Stefanie personally took my Xrays to the office for me. When I met Dr. Sarina I instantly felt comfortable with her. She is my age and I felt like she put herself in my shoes. I was excited to finally get a couple plans that I could pray through in order to decide what I should do to fix my teeth. I should mention now that back in August, on my birthday, I received a check in the mail that would cover the first few procedures for my teeth. This was just the confirmation that I needed to dare to believe God would provide the rest!

Dr. Sarina and her family

After visiting Dr. Sarina I had two plans that I prayed through for a couple weeks. I spent my prayer times seeking God about which path I should take. I called Dr. Sarina and Stefanie both to ask lots of questions and did research on the internet. I prayed. I prayed. I prayed and finally I decided! I was so scared though to actually take the step and start the process. I knew if I did step one of one of the plans that there was no going back! So I took a deep breath and called Dr. Sarina.

This gap now has two screws in it, soon there will be teeth there!

She told me right away that there had been a cancelation and I could come in the morning to get one of the major procedures done: two implants. WOW it kind of took me off guard, but I instantly said Yes! So last Thursday morning she placed two implant screws in my mouth. It will take about 4 months to heal and in the meantime I can get a few other procedures done. After the healing, I will have teeth attached and then the other big work, a bridge, will happen on the other side.

Xray from the dental school. I finally understand some things about my mouth.

I wish I could take the time to tell you my story. I would tell you about how sick I was as a child which triggered the rotting teeth, the two adult teeth that never grew in, and the braces my family could never afford. But mostly I want to testify of the goodness of God! He is GOOD and His Mercy Endures Forever! Can you tell I am excited?

Thank you for letting me share my raw and very personal story! It is meant to be shared and I know it will be a story I will never forget! Thank you for being a part of it! Love you Michelle

writing

2011-08-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

The only thing I struggle with more than blogging is the look of the "new post" page on my blogger. It does not stir up within me the creative juices I wish it did. It just reminds me of the PC I typed 1000's of words on during college homework days. So now, right now I feel like I am typing homework when I sat down to share.

So now I am convinced that "new post" pages should have pictures, coffee, cool pages and journal-type lines just like my coffee dates with Jesus in my big chair in my living room. Ahh if only my computer looked like my quiet times feel, then I could really tell my stories and share. I am so OCD sometimes, I seriously may leave this moment without sharing what I thought I really wanted to just because I am typing in Times New Roman and I feel like I have to hand this in tomorrow. Whelp there's that, I guess I will have to create my own blog post page and sell it to the masses. It will be very hands on, michelle friendly, and definitely have more than 7 fonts to choose from.

My heart was made to share, to love, to constantly tell a story so people can feel God, feel more than just each day passing by. I want to do this. I want to write, to share, to be a voice. This is who I am. I know this, that "before He formed me, He knew me." He knows better than I do what He was doing when He finally set out to form what I see now as me. He intimately new every detail of me, "He knew me." That is an intimate knowledge, a deep knowledge, more than I could ever begin to understand. Deep sigh. That is what I can put my trust in, I can rest in that. He knows what to say, he knows my story. He has and had the perfect way to put me into words. I am thankful for that today! So let the stories come, let the words and the sharing and the songs come.

⁴ Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
       ⁵ “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
      Before you were born I sanctified you;
      I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:4-5 (NKJV)

Healing

2011-08-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

As you may know I busted my toe three weeks ago today. The stitches came out last week and this past week it has been healing. While it healed this week there were times it hurt more than when I had stitches in it. I was like "really, what is wrong with my toe?" It made me think the gash was going to open again or infection was setting in. But no it was just healing.
This process made me think of my heart and how at times the healing has hurt more than the wound/loss initially did. Why? Why does it hurt more, making me think there is something new wrong when it is just a moment of pain so that I can be whole. Will we ever understand how our hearts work and how much He loves this process?

I know I don't understand it, but now I know that I am not crazy. I am just healing. Still healing from so much that has tried to stop me from being who He has called me to be. I am just healing.

Toe Sightings

2011-07-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

So as many of you already know I busted my toe 10 days ago. Meaning I basically had a fight with a door and the door won and my toe lost. Not fun, not fun at all. Everyone kept reminding me that the nerve endings in your toe make it very painful when you stub it. Thanks so much for the reminder :) I felt that when I put a big gash in mine and then also ripped off the toenail. So tomorrow is the big day, the stitches come out and maybe soon I can get off the floor without doing calisthenics.

At the urgent care...

Driving the cart around Target

At the prayer room!

Gazing out the window

Finally at the beach!

It was at least nice to get out of the house

Briefing with my team

Now he has a face :)

I think my favorite part of this whole toe saga has been the toe sightings! My not so favorite part has been the hobbling and the couch! Thanks for all the prayers and love that has come my way. More toe stories to come :)

don't forget to smile

2010-06-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my mom today and how joyful she was. Her perspective on life was contagious, some people couldn't believe she was so joyful. It was genuine, like she had a secret. Her joy spilled out as smiles, giggles, hugs, dancing, praise, prayers, love, surprise, and pure excitement about everything. She was incredibly childlike and didn't even try to hide it. And she seriously loved Jesus, so much! Ahh I miss that! Today remembering all of this just made me want to celebrate her and learn more about living JOYFUL. Looking at the bright side of life. Not taking myself too seriously. And just loving Jesus. She's been gone for four years and she is still teaching me so much! I love you mom!

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:1-3

singin

2010-02-27T17:27:00.000-08:00

Yay I got to sing, and I have pictures. If you wanna watch, I will be subbing again tomorrow (Sunday) at noon. Its free to watch the webstream 24-7 on www.ihop.org!
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000058181

I also have joined a team that does three sets a week, just not online. Its exciting to be singing more again.

February News!

2010-02-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well here I go again trying to write newsletters! It more like a creatively organized blog :) If you copy and paste this link into your web browser it will take you there. Let me know what you think! https://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B_gdEFxbkXq0MzUzMzJlZTQtZjg1NS00MDBlLWJlNzAtMDkzZTFmZjdiMTM1&hl=en

the latest

2009-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

full circle

2009-11-03T22:38:00.000-08:00

I'M HERE!

Well here I am, finally in Kansas City! I arrived yesterday and got all of my stuff unloaded! Deep sigh of relief and now this side of things begins! So good to be home!! Now a house must be rented, official IHOP staff status gained, and all that entails, and the settling in. All of this takes time and energy, and guess what? I am sick! Big bummer but totally understandable, I have been pushing super hard and my body is paying for it!

DA PROCESS

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and supported me! Today I finally got to go to the prayer room, I cried for the first thirty minutes! Its been a long month without one! I was so glad to be where I am supposed to be! And it has been hard work getting there! Its been a full circle WILD GOOSE CHASE and here I am almost right back where I started! Haha... like I said before its a long story I would love to tell anyone with a few minutes! I am in the process of getting officially on staff and auditioning for the worship teams. I am excited and glad to have it all set in stone so I can take a deep breath!

DA HOUSE

Okay so besides money I need wisdom in order to know which house to rent! It will be at least a six month committment most likely a full year and I am being a little more picky! My friend Genevra and I are renting together and praying for open doors! Thanks for joining us in this knocking business!!

So thats me for now! I will keep you all posted! Email, facebook, call or write!!! Please!

Love,

Michelle

its possible

2009-09-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

a woman with her arms and hands wide open... giving and receiving without fear...without doubting...fully alive and aware with a pure heart...releasing the song of the Lord...walking as a daughter with full knowledge of His love... its possible

Blessed Assurance

2009-09-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

Great News!!! I am moving to Kansas City!! To join staff at the International House of Prayer!! This is exciting, keep reading for more info!!

THIS IS MY STORY

My story, hmmm, you really don’t have time for the whole version right now, I am a story teller so if you have time please give me a call! The short version is God is faithful! He has strategically set me on this course and its starting to make sense! Ministry/music degree at Manhattan Christian College, traveling and training with Youth With A Mission’s School of Worship, a broken heart after losing my mother, praying and playing with TheCause USA, and one year with Zadok House of Prayer. Its been like a long degree in worship, suffering, leadership, and maturity without the piece of official paper!

My favorite part has been Him, if I have any message after all of this it is GO AFTER GOD! Dive into intimacy and relationship with your Creator and you will never go wrong! Of course there are more adventures to come and Africa is still on my grid, so stay tuned...

THIS IS MY SONG
This past season has been one of waiting, trusting, and being faithful no matter what! The verse that has kept me during this dry time is “Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He will act.” This is just one verse in Psalm 37 I have been leaning on. In the midst of this time I wrote this song and wanted to share it with you, let me know what you think...

I believe

All of my days, I put my trust in what I could not see

All of my life, I believed, I believed

I’m gonna put my hope in you,

I’m gonna put my trust in you,

and wait here, I’ll just wait here

I believe in what I can not see

I believe, I believe

I believe in what I can not see

I believe, my eyes wide open

PRAISING MY SAVIOR ALL THE DAY LONG

So here I am, set in the House of Prayer; as a “modern day monk” or “priest” for a more biblical term! Check it out for yourself: come to IHOP KC or watch it live on the internet www.ihop.org. I will hopefully be there sometime before Nov 1st. Can you help? As a missionary, I live a lifestyle of faith; trusting that the Lord will provide for me, while actively raising funds for myself and others to continue to be full-time at IHOPKC. Please prayerfully consider joining me as a monthly funder/prayer partner or giving a one-time donation specifically to my moving needs. I know you will be blessed as you give and you pray. Any questions don’t hesitate to ask...

God Bless and Love,

Michelle

CONTACT INFO (for now)

MIchelle Volgamore

2038 Durand Rd

Fort Mill, SC 29715

785-626-0039

michellesings@gmail.com

blogspot.com/michellesingstoday

REAL DEAL

2009-08-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

What is trust? Why don't we trust Him? After all of these years, why does my heart still fail to believe He is good and He will take care of me? This is my challenge today and most days. To trust and believe in what I can not see. I sing it, pray it, talk about it, but the real deal is walking it out each day.

Here I am in Luke 12:22. This is me: Do I really believe this? Do I trust its really true?

I hear him saying, "Michelle, consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn, and God feeds them. Of how much more VALUE are you than the birds Michelle?" "O you of LITTLE FAITH?" Do you have little faith Michelle?

Anyways, I didn't complete many thoughts in this, but this is where I am! Waiting, trusting, hoping, believing, learning, aren't we all! One foot in front of other, considering the ravens, the lilies, the grass of the field; considering my value compared to these! Thats me!

the word is man

2009-04-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

Right now i can not read the bible without this man jumping off the page! He is adamant that he is the word and that the word is not just black and red words on a page, but its him. A relationship, a friendship, a walk, a sweet kiss on the cheek, my favorite meal, sitting next to each other excited but silent! Thats what it is like with reading the bible for me right now. I have been meditating on Psalm 119, just doing one section at a time. In it the words for "the word" are things like judgments, testimonies, commandments, statutes, and so on. So I decided to give him a chance and I wrote the scripture out in my journal and then over each of these words I wrote Jesus. So where there was the word statutes I wrote over it Jesus. (Does this make sense). Now try reading the bible without seeing Jesus jump off the page every other line!! Ahhhh... its crazy!!

So it goes something like this:

"Blessed are You, O Lord! Teach me JESUS. With my lips I have declared all the JESUS of your mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of JESUS. As much as in all riches. I will meditate on JESUS. And contemplate JESUS. I will delight myself in JESUS. I will not forget JESUS." (Ps 119: 12-16)

I totally did not come up with this on my own but I love it. Its exactly how he speaks to me. The word is a man for real! He became flesh and dwelled among us and is STILL alive and STILL available!! He is so close to me. Part of this whole thing came from me simply making a commitment when I got a new bible. I said something like this looking straight at my bible, holding it tightly with both of my hands! "You and I are going to be really good friends, from cover to cover!" I had no idea that it was going to be much more than reading!

heman

2009-03-02T20:22:00.001-08:00

I got to sing in a different way tonight and it really lit up my heart! We sing prayers on our intercession sets, if you have ever been to a house of prayer this is very unique. Usually I am just one of the singers on the set and get to sing really short lines and join with the chorus that is created by the "chorus leader!" Tonight I was the chorus leader and wow it was so different! It made my heart come alive as we were praying for the ending of abortion!

In Chronicles it records that King David hired thousands of singers and musicians for his tabernacle where the Ark was housed before Solomon built the temple. One of the singers he hired was the "chief" singer, the main voice in the tent in the midst of the other voices. I have been intrigued by this guy Heman, isn't that a great name! He was like a trumpet for God proclaiming, decreeing, praising God!!

So I guess I was Heman tonight, not trying to brag but it was so good to take the spoken prayers, the written word and my own heart to lead others to PRAY/SING! It was so good! I loved it! (deep sigh!)

praise

2008-12-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

"And WHEN they began to sing and praise, the LORD set an ambush against the men of..." (2Chr. 20:22)!! When they began to praise, sing, give thanks, to declare "Give thanks to the Lord, for his steadfast love endures FOREVER!" When, WHEN, when, WHEN, when, when!!!!! When we begin, when we decide to praise, make a choice, get up, get movin!! When we praise He responds. He reacts, and sets ambush against our enemies!! Its a powerful interaction, I just tried it, thanking him, inviting him to come and make sense of my heart.

Instead of praise I will try to figure it out, or I will climb up on my emotional wall and look down and get scared! FREAK OUT!! (wasn't that a song?) Anyways, the power of praise, telling my soul, L-E-T-S-G-O, let's go, let's go.. lets praise God!! Let the worshippers go first, see what happens!!

What does this change in me, well it shows that what I really need lives on the inside of me! Christ in me, He dwells within me and all I have to do is acknowledge him, and thank him and my peace changes... i can really trust that he's got me and its gonna be okay! It sounds cheesy but what it looks like in my life is being real and telling God my hurts, my fears, my joys, my challenges, walking hand and hand with him even when i don't like him or don't understand whats going on. He takes first place, best friend status for sure!! I feel like he is doing a really deep work in my heart and praise is like a way to speed up the process and not get mad when it hurts. Just to remind my heart who He is and why He is good!!

Here is a new line to one of my songs I think will become a song!

"Mystery talker come and speak to me, untold stories and things unseen!" Thats a fun one, anyways have a great day... TBC...

hey soul

2008-12-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

I was reading in Psalm 42 today and realized some things. I need time to poke around in my heart and see what's really there. It says "Why are you cast down, O MY soul?..." So its my soul, my job, my responsibility not anyone else's to look at and deal with. I am the steward over my own soul, the gatekeeper, I decide what goes in and what comes out. I have too often expected others to find what's wrong with me and fix it. Or even wanting God to just fix me, but I don't want to do the leg work of finding out what's really going on and talk to him about it. And then next week I still feel down cast about the same thing. A new chorus I have been singing.."let's talk about my heart, let's talk about the hard things, let's talk about the fears inside of me." In other words, hey soul lets get to work so we can get free from the fear. I often talk a lot but not about what is really going on. Then it all builds and builds and builds and whoa... explosion!! Not good! I can't pour my heart out to the Lord for real if I haven't given my heart/soul a good thorough looking at? What if I don't even know what is wrong, I have to be intentional with Michelle, she's worth the time and talk!! Its a different way to look at quiet times or processing. I have to let the word have its way with me right! But I have to do my part!

what's hard

2008-12-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

being real, holidays away from "home", friendships, schedules, discipline, loving people, boundaries, patience, forgiveness, singing from my heart, honesty, MONEY, trusting God, emotions, getting hurt, being vulnerable, losing my mom and thinking about christmas, being still, believing what he says about me, avoiding this blog because i don't wanna talk about what is hard...

his love is what is really hard for me to understand, i squirm when I lean into the thought that he really loves me and sees me as pure and blameless. its true. "As the Father has loved me, so He loves you, abide in this love." or chew on this, camp out in this, believe this is true, trust me its hard but its true. what if i believed he loved me this way, what if I abided in it, stood on it, trusted in his word. how would that change my relationships, my emotions, my attitudes, my belief that i am burden to people, my orphan spirit, my rejection, my grief, my downs and my ups.

i think of david, he was intensely emotional and he went after the one thing his smooshy heart wanted and that was the Lord. He was called the "man after God's own heart." and yet he was not the most stable person in the world. he messed up, but he knew forgiveness, he knew repentance, he knew getting back up and the unchanging nature of God's heart. he knew how to worship, gut level praise that stirs emotion and love in God's heart, he took the names of God and made them real to his heart. more than that he was a son. and he knew it. that knowledge of the love of God, of our sonship is what really can change us. until i understand something i am not on board with it, but once i do understand, i am your girl!!

so i want to stop pretending i get it and admit, man i still don't understand that he loves me, he has a plan for me, his thoughts for me are more than the sand on the seashore, he is healing my heart, he loves the sound of my voice, and he is on a journey in my heart. fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom, here we go! intimacy is wisdom, it is the smartest thing we can do, to give him time, to listen to his voice, to believe what he says, to soak in the word and chew on his repetition, even when its hard, and i don't want to stay and work out the kinks, i have a yes, i have a yes, i had a no for a while, and now i have a yes again, i keep working on that yes, and being real, thats my promise, to just keep saying it like it is, ahhh its hard, i have always been such a people pleaser, being who i thought people wanted me to be, i can't do it anymore, i am tired, "finally" right!!! so exciting, so scary, anyways here i go, did i tell you about the song i wrote called "for me"... probably... anyways the chorus goes

"My life is like a trail of your thoughts.." I think I am just going to jump on that path and start walking!!

silly little giggle

2008-11-14T20:19:00.001-08:00

Have you ever wondered what Jesus' laugh sounded like? There was a freedom on tonight's intercession that I have not felt since I joined Zadok House of Prayer! We sang "I am free!" and sang prophetically over people!! I don't even know how to explain what happens when God shows up and I can just sing freely! I sang like I didn't care what people think! I really got a deeper level of freedom from fear of man!! I started singing "I got the joy, joy, joy, joy; down in my heart" song. Then I got this line in my head and sang it out "I got His silly little giggle, down in my heart!" Wish you could have been there, it was so much fun!! Maybe I will get the recording and put it on my music myspace?!!

Do you believe you are beautiful??? I don't YET, but I am getting closer! Before the intercession set again I began my Friday night doing a devotional set, just singing out my heart to Jesus. I feel like I am finally running out of things to say! Its His turn to talk, and all He is talking about is how beautiful I am. Song of Solomon 4:7 says "YOU ARE ALTOGETHER BEAUTIFUL, MY LOVE; THERE IS NO FLAW IN YOU." So He won't stop singing over me how that is true of me. How when He looks at me He sees no flaw, no blemish, no stain, He holds no record of wrongs over my head, no scars! I am completely beautiful to him. This is how he brings the reality of what Jesus did on the cross to my heart! So it has been really good to just spend these times of just singing, it always gets me out of any funk! I used to think and still can think all kinds of not good stuff about myself. Its getting harder and harder to think those negative thoughts! Yahoo!!

Can you tell I am excited, well if your confused... I am really excited!!! I am on a journey with him. I see how God has totally set me up! Thanks for praying for me!!! Keep it up, its working!!

I'm hooked

2008-11-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

Here I am again!! yay... tonight was awesome, I got to play and sing a devotional set with my guitar. First the good sound guy was there and set my voice like "wow!!" And then I just started worshipping, kept going almost the whole time on and on about the love of God and his thoughts about me. I have this song called "For me" and its out of Psalm 139. Here's the chorus line.

"My life is like a trail of your thoughts, precious, too many to count for me."

So this devo is pretty much this incredible set where I just get to love on God and he loves on me!! Totally awesome and it sounded like the shizammm!! Then I started getting more intense and wanting to really understand his love and I broke a string for the first time in a long time. So I got on the piano (YES i played the piano and sang:) for about ten minutes. I have an hour long set tommorrow night and I am planning on playing the piano, I just started playing again last week. For the first time in like six years or really ever in public!!

Then I turned right around and got on an intercession set where I just get to sing. We started singing some stuff out of revelation for a while. I got stuck on "blessing and honor and glory and power be to Him alone!" I could have sang that for hours!! Then towards the end we decided to sing over people. To wait on God for what he wanted to say over those in the room. One of the girls we sang over really got touched and I was crying with her as I sang over her. "He's right by your side!!" I just sang it over and over, and then I went and hugged her, I couldn't take it!! God really moved mightily through our singing over people, it was awesome!! Personally my voice was stronger, more powerful, and more free than it has been since I started singing at ZHOP! So that an answer to prayer!! Which is funny because I sang for four hours!! So that my story and I am stickin to it!!

wise guy

2008-11-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight i have been studying the wisest guy in the world to have ever lived, Solomon. I did a character study on him and I am just scratching the surface of understanding this man. I am mostly studying him to understand the Song of Solomon. I really never knew about this book until about five years ago when I felt to read it. God used it in a HUGE way to show his love to me. It worked. During my School of Worship outreach in Australia in 2003 I felt waves of God's love on a daily basis. He basically wooed my heart with this incredible yet mysterious book! So this past few weeks I have felt the urgency to go back to the book and become a student of it. Rather than just experiencing the initial joy of experiencing God's love, to go deeper in it and really DIG!

Its hard, I know there is so much in my heart that resists really believing that I AM LOVED. That I am "altogether beautiful and there is no spot in me." These past few weeks I have spent time singing through some of the verses but almost reluctantly, I have been through a lot since that initial time on that outreach. But He set a foundation for me to stand on and now I feel its time to start again. But its not starting over, its just different. I spend most of my time in the house of prayer singing, but tonight studying added to it makes my heart alive!! I love the WORD OF GOD!!! It truely is a light unto my path and a lamp unto my feet!!

WAITING, Repeating

2008-10-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

The older you get the longer you are waiting for things promised that haven't happened yet. So I think waiting for a couple of years is agony. I can't imagine how Abraham felt. Waiting has a lot to do with hope and trust. I am not so sure I understand any of these words but I really want to. As I have been sitting in the house of prayer I have realized a few things. I have no idea how to sit and just "be still and know that I am God" and the other thing is that is exactly what I needed to realize. We think we know it all, we really think we know everything! Its amazing, you graduate junior high and your like, "check, i got it," then high school, then college, then you do missions and you become the EXPERT at whatever. I am a teacher (bossy) by sheer personality so i just unload information on whoever will listen. but its not true!! We don't know everything and its takes so much pressure off yourself to just admit it right off the bat! Humble yourself... not like "duh i don't know nothin" but just being willing to admit in even an area of your own expertize that you really aren't the expert. It sets you up to be teachable. Everyone will admit that someone who is teachable is so much nicer to be around than someone who is blind to their need to be teachable (look up Jeremiah 9:23-24). This verse has been haunting me for years. In the end of it, it says " let he who boasts boast in this, that he knows and understands me that i am the Lord..." YAY permission to know stuff and brag about it! I love it! the only thing in life i have permission to brag about it HIM!!

Another thing: the voice of God. Not everyone I talk to agrees with me that we can hear the voice of God. But I believe and I do hear it. But I realized something about his voice this week through a teaching I heard on meditation. Some people have heard that meditating is like a cow regurgitating its grass from one stomach to the next. (nice picture) And it is from our part of it, we just keep repeating the word and it gets in us. The teaching I heard says "read it, sing it, say it, pray it" and thats how you get the word in you! Well the reason is not only for you but for God! He loves repetition, thats his language, thats how he talks. Just like if you were my friend trying to make sense of this blog, you would want to know my language and how I communicate or you might be offended or confused. I want to know God's language and understanding that he repeats things not to make me feel stupid or rebellious, but thats just how he communicates makes more sense. this is a new revelation for me. When people have prayed for me to be healed from grief often they used the same verses over and over. It wasn't encouraging after a while. But God was just talking to me. He has thoughts for us, to many to count, precious thoughts. So I have set my heart to listen. And now I want to listen, just like I would want to listen to a friend tell me what they think about me... ahhh...i hope this makes sense. Oh well. Its my blog right! hee hee!! I am still in process of this one!

ANyways...I am enjoying my time in the Zadok House of Prayer! Its a good hard feeling, pressing for my heart to be alive in God again. I can remember what it feels like! Comin back to the Heart of Worship. Oh and I am singing!!! yesterday I got to sing for four hours!! It was awesome!! Its a massive part of me getting healing!! Singing through the Storm! I even wrote a song about it. I wonder if you can put songs on this blog? anyways!! blessings

New Thang

2008-09-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

Writing blogs is kind of like the first time I rode a bike, I kept putting out my legs to catch myself. So sometimes I will probably sound like I am being real and other times like I am writing a college paper. Bare with me, as I practice it should get better. To me "blogging" is permission to ramble so if thats not true then someone let me know. Because I am about to cut lose. Not used to journaling where ALL can see but here I am doing at least a once a week update on Michelle's life. Read at own risk!!

I am beginning to understand life a bit! Its not so much what I can do but its what I am willing to give up. I love the poem/song "I don't know about tomorrow but I know who holds my hand." I totally butchered that but the idea is, I know that GOD is holding my hand and he directs the steps of the righteous so therefore, like the Bible says tomorrow will take care of itself. I trust him, he's got tomorrow!! I am in that place right now!

After over two years of searching, grieving, crying, figuring out things, fear of man, randomness, hope deffered and a cold heart I am here! Actually I didn't even leave the Charlotte area. I woke up last Sunday in a funk, prayin up a storm. What am I supposed to be doing. I have been prayin that pray since I left YWAM Perth. Since my mom died. "Someone please tell me" and I did just that, going from one person to the next. Please someone just tell me what in the world i am supposed to do with my life, with this pain in my heart, with my giftings, ahhhhh.

This time it was different, no striving, I finally just GAVE UP! Not necessarily in a bad way. I moved in with my friends, rested, and prayed. One month later my coffee shop closed. Now I am ministry-less and job-less! Not even my fault thats awesome!

So then it came to my attention that the very thing I have wanted to do and been praying about doing for three years is exactly the door that stood before me!! So I walked on through! And here I am in Charlotte, NC spending my days in the Zadok House of Prayer!

How is it going? Well I've only done a week, my heart is becoming alive again! And I know its only the beginning. LIke any job there will be days where I will wonder why I am here but I am trusting that I will learn alot, sing alot, love alot, pray and play ALOT! And love God more deep on the insides of me than ever before!! Thanks for reading...

SING

2008-09-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

I really just want to sing. To pour out my heart to God in a song or ten!! I am done doing all the other things that it seems like i am equipped to do! I am really done chasing after ministry, position, and fulfillment. I am sick of trying to be someone I am not!! No more wondering, I am just going to do it! Making a CD does not equal success to me but it would definitely make a statement that I am walking toward this! No more second guessing myself or my calling!

Besides wanting to hold babies in Africa, teaching and singing is all I can ever remember wanting to do! Here I go!

Try Again

2008-06-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

I've been learning how to get back on my horse! God's love is not based on my ability or on my failures. Knowing this information should help me right!! I should just automatically let go of offense or give myself grace when I screw up. But for some reason it doesn't work that way in my head! I want it to!

In order to believe in myself I have to be able to let go!! Anyways, I worked today at the coffee shop and I am tired, couldn't sleep last night! Tried to take a nap after work and it didn't work! My new year's resolution to exercise starts on Monday! Let's see what happens!! I believe I can do it! I want to and have to according to me! Seriously I have changed my diet, cut out dairy, sugar and all the bad stuff and its only when I am exercising that I look good and feel good about me! So those people that write all those books on dieting need to put in convincing bold letters that EXERCISE is the key ingredient! Especially to keeping your weight off!!!

I really do not like exercise, so its hard for me to imagine that this is the only answer but God finally convinced me, so did my body these last few exercise-less months!

I work with a ministry called TheCause USA (www.thecauseusa.com) and we are putting on this 30-day field event called Under Open Skies!! We just finished today a 21-day focus preparing for the 30 days! So what a summer full of prayer, worship, and lots of work!! I am learning how to lean on the Lord to teach me how to take care of myself during this season! Also I need to focus somehow on my music! I have written a few new songs.. i have to figure out how to post them on this blog! I get to lead worship on Tuesday nights, this week I am trying a new team (me, Amber, Micah, and Page). It should be fun!! I am so excited to release the sounds and the things the Lord has put inside of me!

One of my new songs is called INSIDE OUT! The words are "I'm gonna worship you from the inside out, pour me like a pitcher, pour me right out!" Its pretty much a song of surrender and longing just to have a heart that is free to worship. Not bound by fear of man or hardness or anything!! An unhindered heart of worship! Like the woman with the alabaster box! She just poured out her heart and tears before Jesus!

Anyways! So much is in my heart right now! We are on the edge of a breakthrough, thats why I feel so much tension in my heart! But I know with all of the prayers we have been praying for America, the breakthrough will not just be in my heart, but in many people's. Specifically the prodigals!!

2008-02-17T13:31:00.001-08:00

Its a New Day!!

2008-01-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

I wrote a song in 2005 called "trust in you." It was very needed at the time, but now I see how much it was for this moment in my life right now!

"Its a new day, its gonna be alright!

I got Joy in my step and your in my sight!

I'm gonna trust in, I'm gonna trust in you!

You are faithful and so true

Sometimes I doubt but I am runnin' back to you!

I'm gonna trust in, I'm gonna trust in you!

I'm gonna trust in you, oh God, I'm gonna trust in you O Lord!"

Its really completely not based on my ability if I can do this new season. Its not up to me and my own thinking. Its all about faith and trust! Do I trust that what I know to be true is actually true! Thats my thoughts for the moment! It really is a balance of trust and obey!!

Its time for a new day!!